Learning to Love (Programming) Again

For the past few months I'd been killing myself on soul-crushing projects without actual specs. There were a variety of reasons: Vague clients, rush projects, going through consulting firms. I'd work late and try to read the minds of project managers and clients to figure out what they wanted when there were no designs. It made me learn to hate what brought me the most joy in my professional life: programming. I got bogged down in having to do front end work (either for myself or fixing the work of other developers) so and programming work felt like a chore to learn in all of those projects' abbreviated timelines. And when I did get to program, there was no IA and client needs changed weekly. As a junior programmer, this was nervewracking.

Programming became a source of serious strain. I wanted to do work for my friends where we could actually talk through everything and spec it out properly. I wanted to work with people who wouldn't assume I fucked up when I just had to redo someone else's work. I knew that even if I quit my job and started a new one, the spark might not come back. I needed time off to get back into it, but I'm not the kind of person who can just take time off and "find my passion". I need a safety net. Even taking a week or two off between jobs made me nervous.

But now I finally have it. I just needed someone else to make that decision for me. And I never thought in my life I'd be so relieved to hear "We're letting you go."

Of course I was scared once it hit me as I got home with my bag of stuff from my desk. What was I going to do now? Then I found the answer: Everything.

I'm going to finally make the portfolio site I've dreamed of. I'm going to take on the freelance I'd never had time for. I was going to LEARN things. Become a better programmer. As I failed at closing an old window in my house, I even figured I'd add "finally start working out" to my list. And I'm excited.

Most importantly, I want to get the spark back. That amazing feeling of programming something that works that I have never felt from anything else in my life.

And I'll be chronicling it here, because I always wanted to start a blog and now I finally have time.